La Mort, Le Commencement

Note: Ce texte est lié à une illustration éponyme. Elle est disponible ici.

I started reading the cards 6 years ago. It didn’t take long before I was on the verge of quitting.   I could not make a single interpretation. No matter what questions I asked, all I got was   “you’re doing it wrong”,   “seek guidance”,   “no, not like that.”  I figured… if it’s just a random game where you seek obviously hopeful answers, why was I so bad at it?   None of these 78 cards were aiming to validate any of my feelings. Like, sheesh…

In insight, I don’t think I would’ve pursued clairvoyance if my guides had been generous from the beginning.    They had no time to waste on my generic questions. And they knew, even though I was asking the dumb questions, that my time was up as well.

At some point, it had to happen:

The hiccup of an awakening, that is.

It was a violent and sudden outburst of knowing what “this” is all about. We’ve all been through it many, many times in our lifetimes. Like clockwork. It’s during the brief moments when we can no longer lie to ourselves, exhausted of holding our dearly crafted persona as well as the idealization of our loved ones, that everything makes sense.   It clicks.   Santa Clause doesn’t exist, it’s your lying ass parents who threaten you to be nice in order to deserve what you desire. Then you stop being nice and become a lying ass adult yourself.    Until… suddenly, Santa Clause comes back to existence.   Not as this chubby Caucasian professional house invader, but as a belief. A belief that after a year of doing the best you can  at school, at work and with your community, you all get to indulge and celebrate.    Like clockwork, it strikes again, as you realize you’re stuck in a tradition that promotes capitalism which means that you’re necessarily part of a system that allows poverty.    Then you want to be nice again. Because God forbid those strangers from the Internet think you’re a bad person.   I speak of Christmas because this is what I’m familiar with, but you might have a similar experience with another tradition.

The hiccup of an awakening I’m referring to is the acknowledgement of our complexity. That there is no bad nor good.   That if you look at yourself with the lens of your neighbours, you might dislike what you see.   You might be so ashamed of your neighbours’ perception of yourself that you’re tempted to turn them into enemies.   You might turn yourself into your own enemy.   But you also watch yourself with the lens of complete indifference. Without trying to save your pride or condemn yourself, seeing your reflection as it is right now.   Another part of this hiccup is your potential, your dreams, either palpable or completely wasted.   Then, you see you in this vast and old world.  You witness how untamed it is while you domesticate your whole self to, somehow, fit in.

We all get these moments of consciousness. We understand everything and “it” brings us a mix of comfort and fright, of control and vulnerability.   And it’s tedious to describe it because it’s a feeling more than a concept. It’s a case of “when you know, you know.”    Those who dare try to describe this complex cycle either end up with art…  or war.   The hiccup let us know… Then we try to forget everything as if it was just an odd dream.

The things that cannot be explained cannot be that important, right?   Whatever is illogical is futile.

Like… loving someone with whom you cannot have or do not want to have children.   Or… supporting and being kind to people in need when you could still live a decent life by completely ignoring them.   Or even… forgiving those who scarred you so that everyone has a chance to grow.    It’s as if “logic” means you have to win something at the end:  a legacy, recognition, revenge.

An eye for an eye.

Reframing Ego  is a grueling  journey.  Ain’t it?

I used to ask my guides when things would happen, why so and so happened to me, or who would come into my life.  To me, life was an event that I had to go through rather than an everyday project.    Now, I’m convinced I’m not its victim. And neither are you.  We know.

And we forget as soon as unfairness reveals itself.  Because unfairness is illogical. After all, unfairness means we’re not winning.   So, we want to make it right.   If Ego is leading, we’ll try to police whatever and whomever surrounds the issue.   But I believe when “it” is leading, the feeling of knowing,  the sensitivity to a wider perspective on life…   I believe it makes us want to pivot, to adjust ourselves,  because we know that we  too  are an influence.  We acknowledge that “shit happens” but also that we happen to life.

To this day, I find it surreal to finally be at peace with my sensitivity as a medium. I’m feeling a mix of comfort and wariness. There is so much learning to do.   My Ancestors confronted my impostor syndrome by reminding me that: it isn’t because you don’t know every detail that you’re disingenuous.   It gives me the strength to stand by my beliefs.

I believe learning is a gift we ought to experiment everyday until we die.

I believe that death is the end of life, but not the end of all.

I believe that when we pay attention to non-human entities, a connection can occur.

I believe that there are several non-human entities connecting with us that are willing to communicate.

And I strongly believe that doubt is a healthy protection on the premise that the ecosystem goes beyond the physical…   and there are things that feed on others.

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